Solitude & Your Inner Child

I think it has become clear by now that I am someone who observes the world around me and then tries to make meaning from those observations. Sometimes I wish I could just notice, more like a light version of observation, and then simply let things be as they are. But for better or worse that is not me, and that is why this blog exists. So here we go.

My latest observational focus has been on the interactions between children and their parents. I saw one interaction in which a mother was sternly reprimanding her teenage son and lamenting that she had spent time cooking for him and he was not behaving well. I also saw a very young boy sobbing on the subway as his (presumably) mother periodically looked up from her phone to tell him to be quiet. Now of course I don’t know anything about these people or their life circumstances, so this is less about them and more about the general thoughts it brought up.

We are told to stop feeling our feelings before we even have the language to name them. I observe many parents constantly trying to control their kids and more specifically, manage and halt their big emotions. When little kids cry, I don’t usually see an adult ask them what’s wrong or simply tell them that it’s okay to feel. It appears to me that children’s outbursts are generally seen as annoying, meaningless, and unacceptable. Even when they are being truly disrespectful, adults don’t always try to get to the bottom of that behavior before punishing it. And this is how we grow up: cut off from our full spectrum of emotion; silencing ourselves without asking what’s wrong; afraid of our own big feelings. 

This is partially how the inner child is born. The inner child is an “internal reflection of the values and beliefs we’ve held onto since childhood” (Cleveland Clinic). I have become fascinated by psychotherapist Carl Jung’s work, and he noted that our inner child lives in our subconscious mind and drives many of our emotions and gut reactions as adults (Cleveland Clinic). Imagine that when we react to present day stimuli, whether it be a disagreement with a loved one, a conflict at work, or simply receiving the wrong coffee order, the voice that emerges in anger or pain is not necessarily representative of our present day emotion, but that of the child within. And of course, to tie this concept to chronic pain, it has been found that “a strong association was found between adverse childhood experiences and chronic pain in adulthood” (Nicolson, et al.). This understanding of the inner child might change how we react to conflict or pain in our present lives. The problem is that we don’t sit still long enough to hear that young voice and integrate it into who we are today.

Most of us fill our time with work, tasks, socializing, and social media while spending very little time in true solitude. Often, when we do find ourselves alone, we rush to fill that time with activities that draw us further out of our bodies. Think about the last time you truly sat with yourself in silence and not only looked inward, but listened to what your body was communicating. According to Nicole A. Tetreault, Ph.D., solitude has many benefits including reducing stress and inflammation, building our emotional awareness, and nourishing our creativity (Tetreault). Unfortunately, modern culture seems to encourage a continual running from ourselves. A society built on capitalism benefits from our disconnection from our bodies as we are tirelessly encouraged to focus on our outward appearance, seek seemingly ever-out-of-reach material wealth, and produce.

I say all of this as someone who used to be in constant flight from myself. It took me a long time to realize that I was, because I have always actually liked alone time. For some, self-numbing takes the form of drug or alcohol addiction. Others look down on them with pity and distaste while themselves engaging in addictions just as potent. The difference is that some addictions are celebrated by our culture. My addiction was to work and productivity. I felt okay, safe, and valuable as long as I was producing and “making something of myself.” My first real adult job was in the nonprofit world where I spent my only vacation time working on and traveling for another fiscally-sponsored nonprofit I co-founded. Once I shifted gears and became an entrepreneur, I could truly work as much as I wanted and no number on my balance sheet was ever enough. Almost everyone I ever met praised me for my work ethic, drive, passion, and success. Meanwhile, even though I loved my work, I ended every day outrunning chronic pain and burnout. When the pain and symptoms became debilitating enough that I finally had no choice but to sit with myself in true silence, with nothing to fix and no role to perform, I was devastated by what my body had to say. Moreover, I was surprised to find how young the voice that spoke to me really was.

I finally began listening to my body when I started taking consistent yoga classes. In a journal entry after taking a hot yoga class in December of 2024, I wrote:

I started sobbing towards the end of the class out of nowhere. I felt a deep sorrow in my chest, like there were a lot of emotions trapped in there trying to get out. It felt like someone was inside screaming and experiencing full grief. It immediately felt like my 18-year-old self. She was so sad, angry, and scared. It felt like my chest would break apart from the grief.

Even reading this entry back, it strikes me how somatic it is. With no conscious effort to do so, I drew a clear line between a specific area of my body (my chest) and a trapped emotion (grief). Both because I was in survival mode for an extended period of time, and because I was so dedicated to being seen as a survivor and never as a victim, I believe I skipped over feeling a crucial post-trauma emotion: grief.

Here’s the fun lesson I learned: skipping an emotional process doesn’t make the emotion go away. Rather it keeps it trapped in your body, knocking at the door. After the emotion, or more so your body, realizes you are not planning to answer the door, it begins to sound an alarm. This is ironically for your own protection, but it can wreak havoc on the body. As stated in my previous blog post, MindBody Pain, Dr. John Sarno found that repressed emotions are a main cause of the chronic pain condition Tension Myoneural Syndrome. Additionally, The School of Life, a global organization “helping people to lead more fulfilled lives through useful resources and tools,” wrote in a recent feature, “The emotional curriculum can’t be rushed. Whatever we missed waits patiently for us to return. Sometimes the most adult thing a person can do is finally allow themselves to be the age they once weren’t allowed to be.”

So this brings us back to the concept of an inner child. It appears as though solitude can help us get in touch with that young voice as well as handle the emotions that arise. Thuy-vy Nguyen, a solitude researcher, found that short periods of solitude can bring down intense emotions and restore emotional balance (Psyche). Now there is such a thing as too much solitude, something I myself am quite familiar with. We do heal in community and we do need other people. My point is more so that we can all benefit from quiet time alone where we don’t rush to fill the space with noise and distraction. Time where we sit with our inner child and hold him or her gently, listening to her fears, grief, and desires.

I’ve now made meditation a part of my daily morning routine. Right after waking up, and before I have to be anything to anyone, I light incense and begin a guided meditation. On New Year’s Day of this year, I finished my daily meditation by journaling. The entry reads:

Today during my meditation I pictured my 18-year-old self in my stomach, watering trees and plants in a greenhouse, taking care of my health and me. She hugged the trees. I thought about how I don’t have to leave her behind; this can be her new home. She can come with me, and even be a part of the light and healing. [...] My job is to live my life in a way that honors her. [...] I grieve for her, but I carry her forward always. I will show her everything she always deserved.

Sources

“Meet Your Inner Child.” Cleveland Clinic, Cleveland Clinic, 16 Sept. 2024, health.clevelandclinic.org/inner-child.

Nguyen, Thuy-vy. “Solitude Can Be Profoundly Restorative. Here’s How to Savour It.” Psyche Guides, 1 May 2025, psyche.co/guides/solitude-can-be-profoundly-restorative-heres-how-to-savour-it.

Nicolson KP, Mills SEE, Senaratne DNS, Colvin LA, Smith BH. What is the association between childhood adversity and subsequent chronic pain in adulthood? A systematic review. BJA Open. 2023 Jun 7;6:100139. doi: 10.1016/j.bjao.2023.100139. PMID: 37588177; PMCID: PMC10430872.

Tetreault, Nicole A. “The Benefits of Solitude.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, 28 Jan. 2025, www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/wire-your-mind-for-love/202501/the-benefits-of-solitude.

The School of Life [@theschooloflifelondon]. “The Need for People to Repeat Missing Stages of Emotional Life.” Instagram, 31 December 2025, https://www.instagram.com/p/DS6tCgBEtRG/?img_index=9.

Cover photo: @effenemea